“All my men disappeared after sex. I have never had a serious relationship “

Not so long ago I met a guy. There was a slight sympathy, although I clearly understood that he did not suit me. He immediately admitted that he was married, not yet going to get divorced, but does not like his wife. I explained to him that it is important for me that there were mutual feelings and emotional closeness.

He stated that he was seriously treated. Called and wrote often, offered to meet. I found an excuse to postpone solitude with him until I recognize him better. But it so happened that I could not restrain myself. After a couple of weeks from the day of dating after a date we had sex. From that day he stopped writing and calling. When I called, he spoke reluctantly, referring to employment.

I understand that this is a classic case that happens with almost all women at least once in a life. But for me this is far from the first time. There were several men before him, who also silently disappeared after a short communication.

I have never had serious, long -term relationships. And the worst of all is that after each such parting, I experience severe pain, anger and disappointment. Even when there is no deep feelings for a person. Each time it takes a lot of time and effort to start trusting people again.

I don’t know why a similar scenario is repeated over and over again.

Zarina, I sympathize with the fact that now you are passing through disappointment with a new relationship. At the same time, you are consciously thinking: what is what is happening to you has the structure of the “scenario”, the repeating pattern of life. And this is already a lot to solve the problem.

I’m sorry that the loss of relations plunges you into a depressed state of mind and a lack of trust in others. But at the same time, in my opinion, it is very important that you ask yourself such deep and reflective questions and try to figure out the reasons for your dissatisfaction with the relationship. And here I am observing some contradiction that can be put in a simple question: “Are you honest with you?”

I now fantasize and put forward hypotheses, because in your question there is not enough data to investigate the reasons for the dissatisfaction with your relations with partners.

Nevertheless, I will try to offer you several areas that can become a support for further study of this area of your life – independently or with a psychologist/psychotherapist:

Human relations are a wonderful field for the realization of its need and the basic need for proximity and contact with another. Moreover, relations can be any – absolutely any, if they are built on the consent of all their participants regarding the quality, duration, special conditions or the absence of such, as well as the number of participants themselves. Perhaps the most important and immutable rules of any relationship are the safety and active consent of all persons, the rest is subject to discussion. Think about whether you need a long -term relationship at all? After all, there are also a lot of wonderful.

Why do you need illusions when joining the relationship? The presence of an open dialogue about expectations greatly helps in the relationship. There is a wonderful line in your question: “I clearly understood that it does not suit me”. The young man immediately admitted to you that there are certain restrictions, thereby giving you freedom of choice of behavior. And in this case, your unilateral decision to continue relations with a claim for seriousness and the expectation of this from a partner does not look at all like a script, this is your personal choice, the consequence of which, as I understand it, was the collapse of illusions. But you could have chosen a strategy of relations without special expectations – in this case, presumably, mental suffering, you could avoid.

What exactly is afraid of you in long -term relationships, which you are trying to avoid without entering into a deep connection with your partner? I have an assumption that you can unconsciously “protect” yourself from deep and long close relationships, choosing obviously inappropriate partners for this purpose. The lack of long -term relationships and the presence of a series of such experience in the past may be an example of this internal “resistance”.

If the internal restriction on serious relationships is present, then whether it can lie in a deeper and older fear? Perhaps in your past experience there was something that scared you off from building such a relationship?

Betrayal? Lack of safety? The desire for control? The passionate desire of someone’s concern and non-reprimanding it? Sudden departure from your life of someone significant for you? Fear of marriage or birth of children? What, in general, is a relationship for you? What do you want to see them?

The above areas for research are just examples. You may have your own reason. One way or another, you can be happy in a relationship, you are worthy of this, and you do not need to deserve anything or give up your real one to achieve the desired. This is your basic right in life.

And I believe that when studying the reasons for your dissatisfaction with relations in the past, as well as with your desire and working with a qualified specialist, this is achievable. I wish you good luck on the path to gaining happiness of harmonious relations!